Well Maria certainly didn't turn out to be the mother I had in mind. At that time, she had a long time live in boyfriend, and owned her own swimming pool business. The problem was her live in turned out to be an alcoholic as well(only he would manage to hide it while working) She would do her share of drinking as well and when those two got to drinking they would argue and yell at each other, and on rare occasion he would hit her. She would sit me down and tell me that not to let any man hit me and so on. I knew many of the fights where because of me, He didn't like the idea of a child being in their life. My self esteem started to the spiral even further down than before.
I have heard most of my life statistically children of disfunctional family will become disfunctional themselves. I had lived with my aunt and unclea few years prior, and got into a bit of trouble with my cousin, my aunt made the comment to me "No wonder my dad was a drunk, he had to deal with me"That scarred me and I thought it to be true.Living with Maria, I was failing in school and could not make many friends and unable to find my own identity. I was feeling unloved and unwanted. I contemplated suicide, down rite had the razor blade at my wrist crying for release from all the pain. Naturally I was caught by some friends and from there I had counseling. Maria had reinforced that she did love me and that my dad does love me but had his priorities set wrong, and that he had a disease and had explained what disease was really someone who was not at ease with them self and therefore tried to find his comfort in alcohol and there really was nothing that any one person could do to help him but he had to be willing to help himself first.
She had decided that her live in boyfriend was not the right thing to have in her or my life and she finally got rid of him and gave up drinking herself. I was still going through a phase of trying to find myself and had some Friends that got me into stealing form stores, didn't take long for her to find out and made me return the stuff to every store with police escort at hand, and was VERY lucky not to go to jail. She definitely kept a tight leash and a close eye on me for a good while. I was more ashamed and embarrassed out of the whole ordeal. Lying didn't turn out to be my strong point either. there have been several time she had to boot my butt to get me in line. I later figured I'd better give up either cause I wasn't any good at it.
It took me two years to realize that I hadn't moved and she wasn't going to let me go. There where several times that my father had tried to fight to get me back in his home or go with him wherever it was he wanted to take me, but she stood and fought him every step of the way she even wanted to legally adopt me but without my dad not signing over his parental rights she couldn't do it, but luckily she did get a contract from him stating that if he showed stable home for more than a year and showed effort in sobriety for over than a year, Natrally he failed. So two years of a stable home someone to give me the love and disipline that I needed and craved I finally Called he Mom. For the first time in my life I felt I had a Mom of my own.
To be Continued....
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Unanswered Prayers
Well This is the first Blog posted and a subject that has been brought up many times in my life.
Why I chose Unanswered Prayers ? I suppose it's kinda hard to explain and will take more than one post to explain my thoughts and feelings on this.
So lets begin.
My Father was an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. I never new my mother. According to dad She was a drunk too and left us for whatever she wanted.(I later found out that I have a Half Sister by her) Due to my fathers Alcoholism I was placed in several Foster Homes Throughout my childhood. Many of those Foster home would teach (or at least have us attend church)Not all the same; Presbyterian,Baptist, and a couple of others don't remember all.
I do remember expressing my feelings on my dad's addiction and I was told to pray to God he answers children's prayers, I felt very strongly to this and prayed with everything I had every day for God to help dad stop and make a better life for us and find a mom for me so we could be a family.
Well that was the start of my loss of faith in Christ.
Dad never fully stopped drinking He also had a love of guns and would tell me all he wanted to do was die and would put the gun up to his head and tell me the only reason he didn't was because of me.
Sure he would clean up for anywhere between 6 months up to 1 full year, but then he would tell me that he had been good and deserves a drink every now and then which would turn into a case a day, Loose his Job, His home and me. By the time I hit my early teens I had decided that God could not care or exist, cause how could he allow someone to continue to kill themself in such a manner and then allow a child to go though so much disappointment, emotional heartach, fear of where are they going next, will Dad really kill himself, and the guilt that it my be my fault or could be my fault if my Dad where to die.
By the time I was 14 Dad was attempting to clean up again, and failed ready to loose his home I was looking for friends to stay with to avoid going to a strangers home. Dad had a supporter in AA and she hated the idea of me going to another foster home and she took me in. Her name is Maria.
To Be Continued....
Why I chose Unanswered Prayers ? I suppose it's kinda hard to explain and will take more than one post to explain my thoughts and feelings on this.
So lets begin.
My Father was an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. I never new my mother. According to dad She was a drunk too and left us for whatever she wanted.(I later found out that I have a Half Sister by her) Due to my fathers Alcoholism I was placed in several Foster Homes Throughout my childhood. Many of those Foster home would teach (or at least have us attend church)Not all the same; Presbyterian,Baptist, and a couple of others don't remember all.
I do remember expressing my feelings on my dad's addiction and I was told to pray to God he answers children's prayers, I felt very strongly to this and prayed with everything I had every day for God to help dad stop and make a better life for us and find a mom for me so we could be a family.
Well that was the start of my loss of faith in Christ.
Dad never fully stopped drinking He also had a love of guns and would tell me all he wanted to do was die and would put the gun up to his head and tell me the only reason he didn't was because of me.
Sure he would clean up for anywhere between 6 months up to 1 full year, but then he would tell me that he had been good and deserves a drink every now and then which would turn into a case a day, Loose his Job, His home and me. By the time I hit my early teens I had decided that God could not care or exist, cause how could he allow someone to continue to kill themself in such a manner and then allow a child to go though so much disappointment, emotional heartach, fear of where are they going next, will Dad really kill himself, and the guilt that it my be my fault or could be my fault if my Dad where to die.
By the time I was 14 Dad was attempting to clean up again, and failed ready to loose his home I was looking for friends to stay with to avoid going to a strangers home. Dad had a supporter in AA and she hated the idea of me going to another foster home and she took me in. Her name is Maria.
To Be Continued....
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